I’ve been a very good boy this year. Ever since my inauguration, I’ve been pumping tax money into the economy to try to aid the American people. By purchasing old cars for scrap metal, the Mint has had metal to print coins, since we sold all of the other stuff to China, and there’s enough left over so that we can build a fence to hold suspected terrorists in Illinois! I’ve also been hard at work trying to solve the world’s population problems, in addition to spending the first few months of my tenure chastising the evil bankers and corporate executives for taking away the cash of hard-working Americans. I mean, who do they think they are? And, in case you haven’t heard, I healed the racial divide that had split this country for centuries. I’m the first Black president, if you didn’t know.

So, with all of the good things I’ve done, I hope you’ll consider this meager list of things that I need:

• A new set of golf clubs so I can keep up with my game when I’m supposed to be at important public functions. It’s an imperative part of foreign policy. Don’t tell Michelle about them, though—I don’t need her “rescuing me” from my car, if you know what I mean.
• Either a health-care plan that has a public option or a few more Democrats with the patience and maturity of Al Franken. I’ll also settle for independents less like Joe Lieberman and more like Arlen Specter.
• Some more cheese plates for my Visit-the-White-House-for-Sports-in-lieu-of-Politics parties.
• An easy out – maybe some kind of distraction – on the whole “gay rights” thing. Can you do resurrections? Judy Garland? No? I’ll talk to Jesus about this one, then.
• A new swing set for my daughters.
• Make that two.
• And a new, prettier dog.
• Or Sarah Palin on a leash.
• Another long, relaxing vacation at Camp David.
• An American birth certificate…. Ha! No, really.
• Did I mention golf clubs?
• Something to keep the Polar Bears from drowning and the ice-caps from melting. I hear Copenhagen has a lot of cold air to spare these days.
• If you can swing it, another Nobel Peace prize. (Thanks for that, by the way.)
• A little less “minus” on the +/- 3% statistical error in popularity polling.
• Another chance at a Chicago Olympic Bid (This one’s for Valerie).
• Four more years! Four more years!

These are just a few of the things. Help me out, and I’ll see if I can make you czar of something. No one seems to like Geithner, but I think you’ll fit better as Secretary of State. You look the part.

Barack

For the last time: This is North KOREA: not the North Pole. The Supreme Leader is not one of Santa’s helpers, and, furthermore, we find your country’s parades for and character worship of a man who has no regard for personal space and operates on a Manichean, black-and-white moral structure disgusting—not to mention all that red! That doesn’t mean we don’t have a present for you, though.

Also, will you please stop your U.N. Ambassador from stealing our domestic policy playbook during meetings? We need that.